Things not to do in lockdown
At some point in these troubled times, an unholy blend of optimism, desperation and boredom will lead you to contemplate cutting your partner's hair. Do not do it.* Here's why.
The videos won't help. You'll watch cheerful online tutorials about how easy it is. The clippers will move fast, the scissors will snip away and it will all look fine. It's not. Those clippers are moving fast because the person wielding them knows what they're doing. You do not.
You need a proper clipper set and scissors. We had two broken clippers, one with a non-functioning length guide and the other totally underpowered. Turns out, this wasn't quite good enough. We were a bit far in when we realised that.
The kids will want to get involved. Probably the pets too. They will bring mirrors, smart-arsery, demands for hot chocolate, minor first aid emergencies and an extra level of volume you don't need. That's the kids, not the pets. The pets will just get under your feet.
You'll think you can watch telly while you clip. You'll either miss your show or get mesmerised and make a terrible mistake. Your choice.
At some point, you will realise you can't go back, you don't know how to go forward and your partner hasn't yet looked in the mirror. This is when all the personalities in your family unit will come out to play.
There are technical skills involved. When the people on the videos talk about blending and so forth, take note. You don't know how to blend. You'll realise that when you have long hair on top, very clipped on the bottom and no idea how to merge them elegantly. They also talk about things like the crown of the head, the hairline, the bit where the head starts to round out, all kinds of shit. None of this stuff is where you think it is.
The clipper batteries will run out. When this happened, we should have put in a new pair. We did not. We said fuck it and went to bed. You'll wake up in the morning and regret that.
The hair goes everywhere. You'll need to wash everything. By the time you've survived the haircut, you won't want to face the clean up.
There's no fallback. You can't go to the hairdresser if it goes horribly wrong because they're all closed which is why you're in this pickle in the first place, you can't order a new clipper set online because non-essential purchases are banned although for a brief moment this will feel like the most essential thing there is, and you can't put the hair back.
It's lockdown. You're in a house with this person for the next month at least. You'll be looking at your handiwork almost constantly. No-one needs that.
* Obviously, if you're a pro or you've done this before, it's fine. But the novices should think carefully before picking up those scissors. You'll do it anyway, I'm already trying to figure out the next cut, but don't say I didn't warn you.